Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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