its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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