Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
