I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my phone needs a breathalizer
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
