I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
