I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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