ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
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