at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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