Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I need water and some morals
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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