mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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