ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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