Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
