Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
