new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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