We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
