my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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