At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
