The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Randomize
