Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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