This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
