im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
