She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
