Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
