Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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