I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
