can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
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