Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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