We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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