They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Randomize
