Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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