He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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