A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
