just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
