Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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