Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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