If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
