I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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