woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
