My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
