ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Houston, we have a squirter
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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