i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
