I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
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