who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
