So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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