She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
