you have to choose: penises or morals?
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
