Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
