i was born a porn star she said
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
