R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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