there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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