She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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